


A Shot At Happiness

by snnycarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Ghosts, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Night Stands, Post-Episode: s17e23 Heartfelt Passages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-09 07:07:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19883632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: Mike sat next to Sonny on the same couch he had spent so many nights cuddling, watching movies and making out with Sonny on, a tranquil look across his face as if this was completely normal. He looked exactly the same as he had the last time Sonny had seen him- clean, perfectly ironed shirt and not a hair out of place with a light flush to his cheeks- but a faint silver glow outlined his whole body, shimmering in the low lighting.---Or, where Sonny learns how to move on after Mike's death





	A Shot At Happiness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bicarisi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bicarisi/gifts).



> happy birthday vic!!!!! you always inspire me to write and give me ideas so I thought it was only fitting to write something for you... i love u bitch I hope u enjoy !

The room was still dark when Sonny awoke, sweat dampening his shirt and a heavy weight over his chest. He couldn’t remember exactly what had happened in the nightmare that had woken him up, but the sounds of a faint agonized scream of a man calling for his son still rang through his head. The weight over his rapidly beating heart turned out to be an arm draped over his chest- his lover holding him close while they slept. In the dark, he searched for Mike’s familiar face, the rock tying him to reality and reassuring him his dream was just that- a dream. But he didn’t see Mike’s face. Instead, Rafael lay naked on Mike’s side of the bed, huddling close to Sonny, who began to feel incredibly sick. 

The nightmare came flooding back, and this time he knew it was real. The look on his boss’ face as the ambulance holding his lover drove away. Hope filled his chest as he held Mike’s hand in the hospital room, because he had survived the surgery and soon, he would be home again. The scattered look on the chief’s face as he told the cluster of cops in the waiting room that some tests needed to be done, but it’s probably nothing to worry about. The sinking feeling he got as Olivia told him Mike wasn’t going to make it, as if part of his soul was falling out of his body and hitting the cold, sterile hospital floor. The emptiness he just couldn’t fill with alcohol as he sat in the bar after the love of his life’s funeral. Thinking that, maybe, it wasn’t his soul that needed filling- if his bed was no longer empty, maybe his heart would hurt a little less. Green eyes full of curiosity and concern and affection studying him as he peeled the dress uniform off his clammy skin. Those beautiful green eyes fluttering shut as Rafael fell asleep in his bed, holding him tight. 

Sonny had to get out of that bed; if he looked at Rafael’s sleep-softened expression for one more minute he suspected he would lose it. 

Stumbling through his dark apartment, Sonny pulled on a pair of sweatpants he found on the floor a well as an oversized flannel shirt, and dropped himself onto the couch with his head in his hands. 

It had been a week. A week without Mike and he’d already began filling his side of the bed. He hadn’t even had a chance to change the sheets since his boyfriend’s last visit and now they were perfumed with the scent of another man. With every shuddering breath he took he could still feel the weight of Mike’s body over his shoulder, as he carried him off to the cemetery and put him in the ground. Because the coffin didn’t just hold his body, it held  _ him _ , all of him. His smile, the way he looked at the ground when he was laughing but shouldn’t be, his incredibly soft hair that Sonny loved running his fingers through after a long day and the way Mike melted under his touch. It held his eyes that Sonny could never quite tell what colour they were, changing from green to blue to hazel depending on the light. And, most importantly, it held their relationship, which had remained a secret even after he passed. 

Mike hadn’t wanted to jeopardize his chances at SVU because of a relationship, and Sonny completely understood why. The squad already disliked him because of his father, and dating another detective on top of that? It probably wouldn’t have gone well for either of them. Even putting aside the fact that being an out cop was practically career suicide, publicly being with another detective- especially one from your own unit- would have put a layer of stress on both of them that just didn’t need to be there. 

Even after he died, Sonny just couldn’t bring himself to tell the chief about their relationship. Mike was out to his father, but every man he brought home had always received the same, passive aggressive treatment. Being Sonny’s boss, Mike planned to avoid this particular meeting for as long as possible, all to protect Sonny. 

Mike kept his relationship from his family to  _ protect  _ Sonny, and not even a week after his death he’d slept with someone else. He was disgusting- how could he have done that to someone who loved him so much? How could he replace him that quickly?

Rafael, like everyone else, had no idea just how much Mike had meant to Sonny, and Sonny doubted he would have gone home with him if he knew. His feelings towards Sonny may have been well hidden to the naked eye, but in the past few months Sonny had grown to be able to read him well as they became closer friends. He  _ knew  _ Rafael was just waiting for the right moment to make a move and yet he still said nothing about his relationship. He  _ knew,  _ to Rafael, what happened after the funeral was more than just a casual hookup and honestly he wasn’t sure that was what it was to him either. Because deep down, he knew part of the reason he never made it clear he was unavailable was due to the way his heart beat a little faster whenever he caught the older man looking at him for a few seconds longer than necessary, or the way he just couldn’t tear his eyes away from his lips. It made him feel so dirty, so ashamed, but he knew that if it weren’t for how completely in love he was with Mike, he would also be looking for the right moment to make a move. 

So here he was, using and lying to the only person left that may give him a chance at happiness, and in doing so, betraying the love of his life. 

All of a sudden, Sonny felt the couch cushion dip next to him with the weight of another person. He must have been too loud getting out of bed and woken Rafael up and now he would have to explain everything and he’d probably hate him- but the man sitting next to him wasn’t Rafael. 

Mike sat next to Sonny on the same couch he had spent so many nights cuddling, watching movies and making out with Sonny on, a tranquil look across his face as if this was completely normal. He looked exactly the same as he had the last time Sonny had seen him- clean, perfectly ironed shirt and not a hair out of place with a light flush to his cheeks- but a faint silver glow outlined his whole body, shimmering in the low lighting. If he weren’t terrified, Sonny would have swooned over how gorgeous he was.

Sonny opened his mouth to scream, to cry, do  _ something  _ to express how utterly insane this was. Because Mike was dead, he buried him earlier that day. But the man next to him cut him off. 

“Don’t freak out- I’m not really here, but you’re not imagining this,” he sounded like Mike, he looked like Mike, hell, he even smelled like Mike. But he wasn’t, he couldn’t be because that was impossible. “It’s me, Sonny, I promise you’re not going crazy.”

“So, what, you’re a ghost? Fuck, I really am losing it,” He choked out.

Mike chuckled. “Sure, I guess you could call it that. I just needed to see you one more time before I go.”

Sonny was probably going insane. His grief-addled mind was probably conjuring up this perfect image of the man he loved to help him cope with the loss. He was probably inventing the idea of ghost-Mike and if anyone else walked into the room he’d be institutionalised. But in that moment, Sonny didn’t care. 

He leaned over and pulled Mike closer, crushing his face into the crook of his neck and the tears he had been holding back for a week came flooding down his face. Mike was warm and solid as his strong arms wrapped tightly around Sonny, pressing feather light kisses into the weeping man’s hair. 

“Fuck, I’ve missed you so goddamn much and it’s only been a week. I haven’t even got any of your stuff to hold onto, apart from the random crap you’ve left around my apartment,” he chuckled wetly. “I mean, shit Mike, you left a pair of underwear on the bedroom floor and  _ that’s  _ what I’m meant to treasure?”

He felt Mike’s chest vibrate with soft laughter and god had he missed that. He pressed closer, to feel the other man’s heartbeat or his chest rising and falling steadily- but he couldn’t find either. Because Mike was dead and despite being here now, he wasn’t coming back.

“You have pictures, I know you do because of that ridiculous camera of yours; I know you won’t forget about me, Sonny.” 

A sob wracked through Sonny’s chest as the guilt he held overwhelmed him. “Mikey, I’m so sorry for everything. I’m so sorry for being such a slut and replacing you so soon, I don’t know what I’m doing, I just don’t know how to be without you,”

Mike pulled out of the embrace, and cupped both of Sonny’s cheeks, wiping tears away with his thumbs. “That’s why I’m here, baby, I need you to know that I want you to be happy, and I want you to move on. I know you feel like your being disloyal to me, right?” Sonny nodded. “But you aren’t Sonny, I’m real happy that you’ve found someone so soon.”

Sonny scoffed, clearly ghost-Mike wasn’t as intuitive as he thought. 

“I haven’t found someone else though. He’s not you and he’s never going to be you, you’re never coming back and I don’t think I can ever move on.”

“Does he make you happy?” Mike’s stare bore into Sonny’s soul and he felt a twinge of sadness that this would be the last time his boyfriend would ever nag him. How pathetic he was becoming. 

“Sure, we’re friends, I like being around him,” Mike rolled his eyes and laughed as he stroked Sonny’s cheeks, then pulled him back into a bone-crushing embrace.

“You’re absolutely clueless, you know that?” He whispered into Sonny’s ear and Sonny felt a fresh round of tears welling in his eyes. “If you can honestly tell me you feel nothing for him, then I’ll let this go. But I can see how much you two care about each other- I could, even before… y’know. All I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t deny yourself the chance to be happy because you think it’s what I would want, because it isn’t.”

“I don’t know if I can ever be happy again. I don’t know how I’ll ever be with someone and not wish it was you,” His fingers dug into Mike’s back as the truth of that statement washed over him. He wasn’t just being dramatic, he really wasn’t sure he could ever move on. 

Mike smiled sadly, and again pulled out of the embrace to look Sonny in the eyes. “It will take time, but you’ll get there, I know you will because you’re strong and smart and brilliant, really it would be a waste for you to end up alone,” Sonny laughed and shoved Mike’s shoulder playfully, then wiped his damp cheeks. “I’m serious though, Sonny, you’re the most incredible man I’ve ever met and I know Rafael can see that too. He might not be me but he cares so much about you, and I’d be so happy for him to be the one to look after you while I’m gone-”

“Who says I need to be looked after?” The irony of this statement wasn’t lost on either of them, as Sonny fought to keep the tears at bay and enjoy the last few moments he would have with his boyfriend. 

“My point exactly. I love you from the absolute bottom of my heart, Sonny, and I know you’re gonna make it through this.”

Now that Mike had said what needed to be said, both men knew their time together was ending. Mike took a hold of Sonny’s hands and gripped them tightly, rubbing his thumb across his knuckles, as if by doing so it would keep him situated on the couch. Sonny couldn’t help it, and once again a stream of tears came trickling down his face as he sobbed quietly. Mike leaned in and kissed his damp cheeks, his attempt to drink Sonny’s pain and make it all better. He wished, more than anything, for that moment to last forever. 

“Please don’t leave me again, Mikey, please I need you,” he whimpered, eliciting a pained noise from Mike. The silver glow surrounding him got brighter, and his touch became lighter, despite the fact that he only held onto Sonny’s hands tighter. Sonny caught Mike’s lips with his own, and for a moment, everything felt alright. He kissed deeper, and harder, licking into Mike’s mouth but somehow he still felt like he was holding onto thin air. 

Mike pulled out of the kiss and rested his forehead against Sonny’s- but Sonny could no longer feel his touch. “Goodbye, Sonny. I love you, okay?”

“No no no no no, Mike! Please don’t go, please don’t-” And all of a sudden, Sonny was alone. An agonized scream ripped out of his throat, but he barely recognized that he had made the noise. “Come back!  _ Please _ , come back, I need you!”

At this point, he had forgotten all about Rafael being in the next room, and his cries surely rang throughout the whole apartment. Cradling his head in his hands, he sobbed and continued to call out for the man that was no longer listening. 

“I love you.” He whispered, the words feeling heavy on his tongue. 

“Hey- hey what’s goin’ on?” Rafael frantically stumbled out of the bedroom dressed in Sonny’s sweatpants and his own undershirt. Hair stuck up all around his head and, despite the startled look in his eyes, Sonny couldn’t help but think he looked ethereal. “Carisi-” he paused, blinked and corrected himself, “Sonny, hey, it’s okay, you’re okay,” 

He continued rambling mindless comforts as he perched apprehensively on the couch next to Sonny, leaving a few inches between them. Despite his obvious confusion as to  _ why  _ Sonny was so upset, the concern in his expression was unmistakable. Rafael tentatively reached out and took Sonny’s hand in his, dragging it away from his wet, splotchy face and squeezing.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong, but Sonny, I need to know what I can do to help you.” 

Sonny had never seen Rafael look so open, so vulnerable. If he was honest, he had thought the older man would have taken his things and slipped out of Sonny’s apartment at some point in the night, so to have him not only still there, but so willing to help, made warmth bloom in his chest. 

Rafael wasn’t Mike, obviously. Where Mike stood just that little bit taller than Sonny, Rafael was much shorter. Where Mike’s body looked as if it had been chiseled like some Greek statue, Rafael was soft around the edges. Where Mike was forward and honest about his thoughts and feelings, with Rafael, Sonny was left to read between the lines.

But when he thought about it, having a shorter partner was kind of an ego boost for Sonny, and while physically he could tower over the other man, Rafael’s personality was seven feet tall. He thought Rafael was gorgeous, and his thighs and tummy not only made him more so, but made Sonny want to cuddle him and never let go. And, while in public Rafael kept his poker face on like a suit of armor, in private he’d been nothing but open. 

Rafael was incredibly smart and funny too, he encouraged Sonny to be better in every sense of the word, he was brave, he was strong and he seemed to care more about Sonny than anyone- apart from Mike- had in a long time. He was warm and solid and he smelled like sex and expensive cologne. He was present, not only physically but emotionally too. Most of all, he was alive, and that was something Mike just couldn’t give him anymore.

He wasn’t Mike, he never would be Mike, but maybe that didn’t matter. 

“Just be here.” He mumbled, and collapsed into Rafael’s arms. 

Rafael immediately responded, and wrapped his arms around the detective, lifting him into his lap so their whole bodies touched. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Sonny. I’m right here, I’m not leaving.” 

Sonny felt himself calming down as Rafael whispered comfort into his ear- he couldn’t hear words, or whether Rafael was speaking in English or Spanish, but the sound of his voice lulled the panic residing in Sonny’s chest and some of the pain waned from his heart. The feeling of Rafael’s strong, beating heart against his ear helped him even out his breathing and gave him something outside of his own brain to focus on. All the while, Rafael just held him. Rafael, he realised, just made him feel so safe, and in his arms, he doubted anything could go wrong in the world. 

Eventually, Sonny felt his eyes drooping and he fought to keep consciousness. Apparently, Rafael noticed this. “Sleep, angel.” 

“Promise you’ll still be here when I wake up?” He felt Rafael’s smile growing from where his lips rest in Sonny’s hair. 

“Only if you promise to not kick me out in the morning.” 

Sonny kissed Rafael’s hand that rubbed circles on his shoulder. “It’s a deal then.” 

Mike wasn’t coming back, but maybe Sonny still had a shot at happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are very much apprieciated !
> 
> my twitter is @transcarisi


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